Nibbling During Sex Survey

     We wanted to find out if women liked playful light nibbling during sex.  I like it, do you like it?  If you don't, do you hate it?  Or is it just OK or maybe you just think that it's wrong to nibble on your partner?
     Well we just didn't know what was right and we wanted to find out so today at Laughing at Life 2 we're going to dive right into the sexual phenomenon of nibbling. We're going to strap in and really sink our teeth in and get to the bottom of it as deep as we can get into this sensitive issue.
     We hit the streets and asked 100 women all about nibbling during sex and we're going to share with you here the results of our little sexual street survey about nibbling. Prepare to be amazed by our new sexual knowledge.

1. Women like to be nibbled

     First thing we found out was that women enjoy being nibbled on. In fact 87% of the women we surveyed said that they love to be nibbled on. 98% agreed that it usually wetens their vaginas to be lightly nibbled in the ear and neck area. 100% of the women asked agreed that pressure was an issue saying to be careful because if you accidentally bite them too hard you'll dry them up in a jiffy.

2. Girls like to bite too but are scared to use their teeth

     Something that we found was that women are confused about teeth and sex. 91% of the women we surveyed said they never knew when to use teeth during sex. 100% said they knew never to bite or scrape the wieners but most of them weren't really sure if men liked to be nibbled on as much as they did.

3. Girls like to be asked about sex

     23% of the women that we surveyed liked being surveyed so much that they also had sex with us. 63% of them wanted to but were just too busy. 99% of them were too busy thinking about sex with us to not give us at least a kiss. 87% of them gave us their phone numbers and or email addresses. 1% of them are even our girlfriend now.

Teddy Bear Joke

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a terrific bj, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear a little! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf on your way out!"

Quick Gun Joke

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Newlywed Joke

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

Cowboy Sex Joke

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

7 Things People Love But Won't Admit They Like

     People are weird, we really are. Every single one of us is a freak in one way or another. Some in many ways. Some in two. Point is we all like weird and odd things and pretend that we don't and everyone knows. Kind of strange that we don't just cut the bullshit and just be real with each other. Till then here's 7 things I noticed about things people are ashamed to like.

Kinky Sex

     You know what's even better than sex? Kinky, nasty, dirty sex that's what, and people the world over know this little fact but despite its immense fan base not that many folks actually admit to being into it. We just haven't come far enough as a species to talk about our various kinks openly I guess. I say that realizing that the previous statement only holds true in the majority of the world but for the sake of time and laziness I'm judging us all as a group. We're just too hung up and worried what others may think of us once they know about they messed up sexual fantasies we act out in our minds as well as in our bedrooms. In certain regards it makes sense for us to be this way because the thing that makes something kinky is that others think its odd. Otherwise it's just normal and that's a bitch for another day.

- Bad Music

     Shitty songs can be an invasive offense to your ears, but they can also be catchy as hell. I cannot count the amount of times I will have some crappy bubblegum pop song stuck on repeat in my head for hours even though I honestly couldn't even tell you how it got there if my life depended on it. There was a recent university study done using teenage children they found watching the children's brainwaves as crappy Pop music was played and they could predict hit songs with 100% accuracy just by watching the pleasure centers of the brain they knew the test subject liked it whether they said they did or not. Turns out that simple, catchy, and easy to sing along with songs please our minds in a way science doesn't even yet fully understand. Now you don't have to be ashamed of liking that crappy song because you can just blame science.

- Crappy TV and Movies

     Do you ever wonder why terrible movies and unwatchable TV shows keep getting made? It's not because people don't like to watch 'em it's because people fucking love to watch them. They keep getting made and will keep getting made because they get the biggest ratings. Americans love to watch other people doing things because we certainly aren't going to do anything so someone should. We live through our "T.V. Friends" like the Kardashians so that their experiences and accomplishments become "our' experiences and accomplishments because we were right there watching them through it all.

     If we want to stop bad television we would have to stop watching bad television and since we are not going to do that we should just strap in.

7 Items You Need To Have In Your Wallet

     I don't remember anyone ever teaching me about my wallet. I have tried and I can't remember a single soul ever teaching me anything about my wallet at all. I think that's really weird. It does explain why it took me so long to master the wallet though but it just doesn't make much sense that no one ever took me aside to explain my wallet to me. I decided that young men need someone to really teach them about their wallets how to unlock it's secrets. I decided boys needed a role model to look up to who knows what's important in a wallet and what isn't. I decided that man would be me so I wrote this. If you are reading this let me first say, congratulations on your new wallet. They are really very cool and I know that you are excited so we will get started right away with my 7 wallet essentials.

1. Money

     Money is probably the most important thing to keep in your wallet. Money is probably even the reason that you have a wallet. I know that it's mine. When I started getting money the first thing I did was get a wallet. Obviously, the more money you can put in your wallet the better. You want people to know that you're paid. It has been proven by science that girls like guys who are paid so try to look well paid.
     If you don't have much cash you might be wondering what you can do to look more paid. Well, there are a few secrets that I can pass on to you like put your largest bill on the outside of your roll. Make sure to pack your cash roll with as many ones underneath that big bill as you can and you will look well paid even though you're not at all. 

Surprise Party Joke

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Password Joke

     Even though no one visits this blog I still put up a joke every Monday. Well, guess what? It's Monday so heres your joke..,

    A husband and his wife are setting up a new password for their computer. The husband puts 'Mypenis' and his wife falls to the ground laughing when the computer informs him - 'Error, not long enough'

Headmistress Joke

     Its Monday again my loyal readers! I know that means that many of you may be bummed. Now, I'm gonna be honest with you, the days of the week don't really mean a whole lot to me. As a comic and Internet comedy writer I tend to forget what day it is quite often. This tends to upset my friends with real jobs that care a whole lot what day of the week it is that I show up drunk on their with a joint and a six pack at 3am.

The Headmistress at an all girls school was lecturing her students on sexual morality."Ladies, we live in very hard times for young girls like yourselves. You will be tempted and when you are ask yourselves this question before you cave into that temptation, Is one hour of pleasure going to be worth spending your eternity in Hell?"A young woman in the back of the room raised her hand and when called on she asked , "Excuse me Headmistress, I don't understand, how do you make it last for a whole hour?"

5 Reasons Premature Ejaculation Is Really No Ones Fault

     When I was younger, and sex was new, I used to be a premature ejaculator.  Alright, stop snickering right now, were all adults here dammit.  Premature ejaculation is a real, and serious problem, trust me I know because I prematurely ejaculated like all the time.  You could say I'm an expert at reaching the finish line early in bed.  I even had quite the reputation.  The ladies in my town all knew me as Quick Draw McSmall.  It was awful, and I was really super insecure about it back then, but now I think I understand what the problem was and I want to share this information and help my fellow one pump jumpers out there in Internet land that suffer from premature ejaculation like I used to.

1. Lots of women actually suck at sex

I'm here, I'm naked... What more do you want?

     I believe that the reason so many men suffer from premature ejaculation actually boils down to the fact that so many women are lazy, and unskilled at sex.  It's true, and nothing against women, its actually our fault.  You see, us men tend to kiss up to women and pursue them constantly, which in turn makes them all think that they are awesome.  So, since they all walk around all the time thinking that they are so damn great, they simply don't try at all when it comes to sex.   Then when they are just laying there, phoning in the sex, we are so thrilled to actually be inside of them that we don't want to risk not being inside of them because we told them that they suck at it.  It's a vicious circle that breeds inadequacy and frustration.
     Don't get me wrong, orgasms feel great.  Amazingly spectacular actually.  But, so does vagina and, I like a lot of vagina before I climax.  Call me crazy but, to me, there is no such thing as too much vagina.  So, as a young apprentice wiener slinger, I'd be really sad when I came after only like ten strokes.  Relaxed, a little stoned, and completely fantastic, but sad at the same time for all those extra strokes that I had missed out on.  Plus, the look of disappointment on my partners face didn't help things at all.  I'm sorry is such an awkward thing for someone to say right after sex but, unfortunately it's something I said quite a lot in those days.  I don't think saying sorry ever made up for letting her down though.  Especially because it's hard to take an apology seriously from someone with an ear to ear smile, and a look of pure ecstasy on their face but, I really was sorry.

2. Young men aren't properly prepared for sex

We're gonna say funny words but explain nothing

     You know back in middle school when they separated the girls and the boys to teach sex-ed?  Well, I don't know what they taught the girls but, what I do know is that they didn't teach us boys shit.  All I even remember from that crap is what a penis looks like from the side if its split in two.  I don't know why the school board thought that knowing what my whole goodie area looks like cut in half was important but, I do know that its burned so deeply into my mind that I will never, ever forget it.  But, other than that extremely scarring image that is forever burned into my brain I learned absolutely nothing about sexuality, much less the act of sex itself.
     This lack of real sexual education is not the school systems fault.  The reason it's not is because sex has no place in a public school classroom.  Sex is an intimate, spiritual, and beautiful experience.  It cannot be taught from a book, or by showing disturbing clinical images of cut in half genitals, and definitely not by making a bunch of kids chuckle at words like penis and vagina.  Sexual education has no place in our politically correct, anal school system.  As uncomfortable as it may be sexual education needs to be explained by parents in an honest and compassionate way.

Soup Joke

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!!!" The old man looks at her and says "I'll have the soup."

Excerpt from Sex and Bacon Sandwiches

     The novel 'Sex and Bacon Sandwiches' doesn't exist, but I thought it would be fun to pretend that it does and to also pretend that the following is also an excerpt from that book that I chose to share with you here today.  Enjoy,

     ...Bacon sandwiches always reminded her of sex with Sebastian.  Sebastian really loved sex, but everybody knew that what he really loved was bacon sandwiches.  She couldn't even count how many times they'd had naked bacon sandwich fueled sex sessions.  She couldn't forget them either because Sebastian was great at making bacon sandwiches, and he was pretty good at having sex too.
     She still had his number in her phone and, she also just remembered that she happened to have bought 3 large packages of bacon, lettuce, and the good mayo at the grocery store just yesterday.  All she needed now was a big juicy tomato, and sexy Sebastian.  So she took her phone and texted him a sweet, but sexy. and direct message and then just sat there and waited for his reply.
     Five minutes passed before her phone beeped letting her know that his reply text had finally come.  She could feel the excitement rise in her as she opened his message.  It was just a simple reply.  Only 3 words, it said "who is this?". 
     Her excitement grew deep in her loins as she replied, "It's me silly, Briana, remember we used to eat all those bacon sandwiches together naked.".  Satisfied with her coy reply she hit the send key.
     Ten minutes later her phone went off alerting her of a new text from Sebastian.  She rushed right off the toilet to go grab her phone so she could read his reply.  Again it was just a short and sweet message,  only 3 words, "You have bacon? ".  Her nipples swelled and hardened as she replied that yes, yes she did.  She had plenty of bacon.
     Not even a full twelve seconds passed before her phone chimed with his reply.  "On my way, just took a Cialis so, heat up the griddle."...

     I imagine that if that was from a real romance novel a whole lot of sex and bacon sandwiches would be just a few pages away.  Since it isn't we will just have to pretend or, creative types can leave their suggestions below for what happens next in the comments.  See you next time I make something up for us to share here.

    

Egg Timer Joke

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Couples With Kids Sex Joke

A couple with five kids had to be careful when trying to have sexy times. The codenamed it, "doing the laundry." One day the husband was trying to get frisky, but the wife just had too much to do with the kids. Well she thought, he has been working a lot of overtime to pay for christmas and has been attentative to every other need that has come up. She calls her sister and makes plans for her to pick up one of the kids giving her some extra time that day. She walks up behind him and whispers, "I have some time to help you out with that laundry." "It's ok sweetie, it was a small load, I did it by hand."

Fat Bottomed Girls

I'm a chubby chaser, I know that I am.
And, really man, I don't even fully know why I am.
I guess it's just that I love their big soft belly's and huge, full breasts.
Not to mention,
their big 'ol healthy butts, thick thighs, and all of the rest.
Now, I have had sex with some fit women before.
Hell, one of them was almost as thin as Skeletor.

The Motion Of The Ocean

     Sex can put a ton of pressure on us guys.  I really don't think the ladies know just how much pressure there really is on us men when it comes to sex.  Sometimes guys can get very serious performance anxiety because it's just so damn stressful.  Especially the first time your with a girl.  Forget about it, OMG, that can be super fkn scary. 
     The main reason it's so stressful and scary is because we really want to do a good job so we can get a return engagement not to mention a good review.  We have to give 110% that first time because we may not ever get a second chance and, we really want that second chance because, that means more sex for us.  So, God forbid we blow it, because she not only won't give us anymore lovin', but she could also totally ruin us socially and humiliate us among her female friends, not to mention on Facebook. 
     So really it's like having sex with all her friends at the same time without getting to have sex with all her friends because they are all going to hear all about your strong or lack thereof.  So, there is a ton on the line once the panties drop and the action starts.  It's like and audition, or the world's most naked job interview.

Be Honest About Your Strong

Don't lie about your strong

If you ever do, it's wrong

So if your strong's not strong
Don't tell her it is strong

Always be honest about your strong

Say it's short if it's not long
With the truth you can't go wrong

Plus the long ones aren't all strong
Being long don't make you strong
It's your stroke that gives the strong
Hell, mines short but hella strong
Plus, you can't hide it all night long

During sex she'll see your dong

So you should never lie or say it's long

Because in the end she'll prove you wrong
So be happy with your strong
And wrap it in a thong.

More Funny From Laughing at Life 2..,
-- Give Her The Good Strong
-- Hicks Are Scary
 -- Charlie Sheen On, Winning!



Put a Thong on Your Strong,

My number one rule with sex and love is simple, when it comes to loving someone, or even yourself, if it feels good do it.  Do it all, do it often, and do it well.

Sex feels good and It's fun to be kinky.

     I mean, just how uptight do you have to be to keep yourself from doing something that makes you feel AMAZING for whatever stupid reason?  I say, do what you want.  And, you know what, FK whoever that doesn't like what your doing.  Not only doesn't it matter at all what they think but, their opinion isn't even slightly important.  It's your life and, you only get one, so live it.

     I honestly believe that.  Freedom in sex is crucial.  That is, if you want to experience heaven on this earth.  I thought just regular plain old sex was great.  But, open minded, sexually free, wild sex is definitely where it's at.

The Vagina Trap

     Something has been really bothering me.  I recently watched a nature show on the Praying Mantis and ever since I've been wanting to know...  How good must Praying Mantis sex be to die for it?  They have to know she's killing them right after.  Word has to have gotten around the male Praying Mantis community.  Yet they still do it anyway.

     I think that basically sums up all species of men in general though really.  We're all stupid and just led around blindly by our penises.  We're really that simple. Women have quite a racket going and I think they know it too.
     They act like they don't but, I think on some level, they have always known it.  A vagina is a powerful and dangerous thing.  It creates life, starts wars, and just generally drives men completely stupid.