Toy Train Joke

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Golf Fairy Joke

     It's Monday and we owe you a joke. We found a good one this week for you so hopefully it helps a little bit to take the sting out of the reality that it's once again time to trudge through another work week again. Anyways... Heres your joke;

    Two guys were playing golf. On the first tee, Jack hit his shot left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit his drive straight into the bushes on the right. Jack went to his ball in the buttercups when all of the sudden he heard a 'POOF' and a fairy appeared before him. "I'm Mother Nature and you have damaged my beautiful buttercups with your Golf ball. In punishment for the next month you will not be able to get any butter for anything. I am so upset with you for destroying my creation that I may make it the whole month!" Then, just as suddenly as she had appeared, 'POOF' - she was gone. Jack turned and hollered towards Bob, "Bob, get over here quick!" Bob hollered back at him, "Just a second, I gotta go get my ball from inside that damn batch of pussy willows over there!" Jack heard what Bob had said and lept to his feet to save him, "Nooooo! Just use a new ball Bob! For the love of God, don't you dare hurt those precious Pussy Willows!"

Headmistress Joke

     Its Monday again my loyal readers! I know that means that many of you may be bummed. Now, I'm gonna be honest with you, the days of the week don't really mean a whole lot to me. As a comic and Internet comedy writer I tend to forget what day it is quite often. This tends to upset my friends with real jobs that care a whole lot what day of the week it is that I show up drunk on their with a joint and a six pack at 3am.

The Headmistress at an all girls school was lecturing her students on sexual morality."Ladies, we live in very hard times for young girls like yourselves. You will be tempted and when you are ask yourselves this question before you cave into that temptation, Is one hour of pleasure going to be worth spending your eternity in Hell?"A young woman in the back of the room raised her hand and when called on she asked , "Excuse me Headmistress, I don't understand, how do you make it last for a whole hour?"

Joke Of The Week 12/22/2014

     Unfortunately it is once again Monday, but fortunately for you that means a joke from Laughing at Life 2 to start your week off right. Enjoy,

     

A family on vacation decides to stop and get a hotel room. After paying for the room the Dad leans in and whispers to the desk clerk, "I hope that the porn in the room is disabled." Clearly insulted the clerk loudly replied, "I'm pretty sure that it's just normal porn you sick bastard!"

High School Reunion Joke

A husband takes his wife to her High School Reunion and after meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?

Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

"Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Old Irish Lady Joke

     Mondays suck and we here at L@L2 want to help do our part to make the start of your workweek more tolerable. The way we do this is by offering your our Joke Of The Week. Today's joke is below for you to enjoy and remember, you may have to work but don't let the man get you down. He feeds off of your suffering.

In a tiny village in Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were approaching she went to the village’s only undertaker who also just happened to be the local postal clerk to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "Born a Virgin, Lived as a Virgin, Died a Virgin" and of course it had to be in Gaelic. Not long after her meeting with the undertaker the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker went to engrave the tombstone she had bought he discovered it was far too small for the wording she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request in the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. Finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was completed and it read as follows: "Ar ais gan oscailt"….which in Gaelic translates to…. "Returned Unopened"

Soup Joke

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!!!" The old man looks at her and says "I'll have the soup."

Ventriloquist Blonde Joke

     A young ventriloquist is touring clubs and one night he's doing a small gig in Alabama.  He has his dummy on his knee and starts doing his act. He tells his usual dumb blonde jokes and a blonde stands up in her chair and screams, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like that? It's guys like you that keep women like me from being respected! Why don't people like you learn to respect blonde women?'

     The ventriloquist, embarrassed, begins to apologize to the blonde woman but the blonde says, 'You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little shit that's sitting on your knee.'

Egg Timer Joke

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."