7/15/16

Government Work Joke

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

7/8/16

Gay Funeral Joke

 This chick has no chillAfter being married for twenty years to his lover, a gay man dies. When the funeral arrangements have been set, the widower approaches the undertaker with a peculiar request, "I know we had plans to cremate his body, but will you please chop him up and put him in a extra spicy curry instead?" The undertaker asks, "Why would you want that?" The gay widower replies, "So he will blow my ass out one more time."

7/1/16

The Boondock Saints: Rocco's Joke

So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof appears the genie! The genie goes to the black guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" The black guy goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, "What's your one wish?" The Mexican goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" and the white guy asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?" The genie replies, "Yes." So the white guy goes, "Then I'll have a Coke."

6/24/16

Homeless Drunk Dude Joke

There was this homeless drunk dude laying in an alley talking out loud saying, "I wish had another drink." He then passed out. As he was saying that, a gay dude was walking by and heard him. When the gay guy came back, he f*cked the homeless guy and put three dollars in his pocket. The homeless dude woke up later and found the money, ran to the liquor store, and said, "Give me the cheapest half of pint you have," and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again. The gay dude came back, f*cked the homeless dude again, and left five dollars. He ran back to the liquor store and said, "Give me the cheapest pint you have," and went back to his spot. The gay dude came back again. Once he saw the homeless man passed out, he f*cked him again and left eight dollars The homeless dude woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the liquor store, and before he could say a word, the owner said, "I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get," and the homeless dude said, "No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap liquor is tearing my ass up."

6/17/16

Little Johnny Marriage Joke


A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"