Video Of The Week 1/23/15

     Unless you are new here you know that on Friday's we share a funny video we found during all the time we wasted of our lives watching videos. Granted, a lot of that was on the toilet and, quite frankly, what else are you supposed to do in the toilet? Newspapers are obsolete, and magazines are so bulky and hard to hide. We all have tiny little computers in our pockets and were not gonna play with them when were the most bored and in need of distraction. Ya, and Rush Limbaugh will stop sending his maid out for oxy and go get it himself too.     Anywho, we watch funny videos and pick our favorite and share it here in a post we creatively named Video Of The Week. This week were sharing a video from Bad Lip Reading who if you don't follow on YouTube, you need too. Very funny channel. This particular video is their latest and conveniently enough topical for a big story in the NFL. I thought it was hilarious and I had to clean MTN Dew off my laptop screen after watching it so be careful. Speaking of, when did Mountain Dew become MTN Dew? It kinda just happened. Anyway click below for the video and I hope you enjoy it, let me know what you thought if you can find the time. Also support Bad Lip Reading too if you like it, I didn't make it, they did. Thanks for stopping by L@L2!

Video Of The Week 12/19/14

     It's once again Friday, and once again we are here for you so you can start your day with a funny video. This week I'm sharing a video from College Humor with you because it kind of fits in with a recent big story. A lot of conversation has been going on about the new recently released Star Wars trailer because it shows a black stormtrooper, and idiots are furious. Stupid as that is I think the video I chose from the funny guys over at College Humor makes fun of all the 'black' stormtrooper' drama and debate perfectly. Enjoy,

A Tale Of Asslessness

     I know you can't see me right now but I don't have an ass. I have a butt that I sit on of course but I do not have an ass to hold my pants up, or grab a hold of, much less cushion a fall. You know, in an emergency or something. I'll describe it this way, if you were a kid sledding down my backside there would be no ramp where an ass would normally be to jump off of.

     So since I am assless, I rock belts. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not special, a lot of people don't have asses. I am just one of them. Just one assless man telling one story of asslessness to the internet on all assless peoples behalf. I'm sure that each assless individual has their own unique story. This one is just mine. Feel free to leave your own in the comment section below.
     I am a big guy so, it doesn't make much sense that I haven't developed an ass. I've grown a big old belly, and also a really sweet pair of titties, but not really any ass to speak of. I just don't get it, but it is what it is I guess. I was just destined to be one of those people that have no ass. To walk the Earth, constantly pulling up my pants and re-tucking in my shirt till I finally slip away and die.

Old Irish Lady Joke

     Mondays suck and we here at L@L2 want to help do our part to make the start of your workweek more tolerable. The way we do this is by offering your our Joke Of The Week. Today's joke is below for you to enjoy and remember, you may have to work but don't let the man get you down. He feeds off of your suffering.

In a tiny village in Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were approaching she went to the village’s only undertaker who also just happened to be the local postal clerk to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "Born a Virgin, Lived as a Virgin, Died a Virgin" and of course it had to be in Gaelic. Not long after her meeting with the undertaker the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker went to engrave the tombstone she had bought he discovered it was far too small for the wording she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request in the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. Finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was completed and it read as follows: "Ar ais gan oscailt"….which in Gaelic translates to…. "Returned Unopened"

Eddie Griffin Reveals What Sagging Jeans Really Mean

Laughing Jokes 8/20/14

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer it I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The C String Is Here,

http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliegerstein/the-c-string-makes-the-average-thong-look-like-granny-pantie?bffbstyle&s=mobile

This is so funny because it is so true..,

http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women.html - Check out this awesome article on Cracked.com

Excerpt from Sex and Bacon Sandwiches

     The novel 'Sex and Bacon Sandwiches' doesn't exist, but I thought it would be fun to pretend that it does and to also pretend that the following is also an excerpt from that book that I chose to share with you here today.  Enjoy,

     ...Bacon sandwiches always reminded her of sex with Sebastian.  Sebastian really loved sex, but everybody knew that what he really loved was bacon sandwiches.  She couldn't even count how many times they'd had naked bacon sandwich fueled sex sessions.  She couldn't forget them either because Sebastian was great at making bacon sandwiches, and he was pretty good at having sex too.
     She still had his number in her phone and, she also just remembered that she happened to have bought 3 large packages of bacon, lettuce, and the good mayo at the grocery store just yesterday.  All she needed now was a big juicy tomato, and sexy Sebastian.  So she took her phone and texted him a sweet, but sexy. and direct message and then just sat there and waited for his reply.
     Five minutes passed before her phone beeped letting her know that his reply text had finally come.  She could feel the excitement rise in her as she opened his message.  It was just a simple reply.  Only 3 words, it said "who is this?". 
     Her excitement grew deep in her loins as she replied, "It's me silly, Briana, remember we used to eat all those bacon sandwiches together naked.".  Satisfied with her coy reply she hit the send key.
     Ten minutes later her phone went off alerting her of a new text from Sebastian.  She rushed right off the toilet to go grab her phone so she could read his reply.  Again it was just a short and sweet message,  only 3 words, "You have bacon? ".  Her nipples swelled and hardened as she replied that yes, yes she did.  She had plenty of bacon.
     Not even a full twelve seconds passed before her phone chimed with his reply.  "On my way, just took a Cialis so, heat up the griddle."...

     I imagine that if that was from a real romance novel a whole lot of sex and bacon sandwiches would be just a few pages away.  Since it isn't we will just have to pretend or, creative types can leave their suggestions below for what happens next in the comments.  See you next time I make something up for us to share here.

    

Video Of The Week 5/9/14

Click below to watch this weeks funny video that we chose for you from the guys over at College Humor about why you can't use your cell phone when to are on an airplane...

5 Funniest Pieces Of Men's Room Graffiti

     Men's room stalls have always been a ready canvas just waiting for an idiot with a pen to scribble their misspelled gems of wisdom, jokes, and viscous racism on them.  I for one love to read these hastily scribbled moronic masterpieces and consider myself a connoisseur of the art of restroom stall vandalism.  If your like me and love to read bathroom stall graffiti you will find none better than the ones you can find in truck stop bathrooms.  The following are my personal favorites that I have found on the men's room stalls in my time working at a truck stop.

#5. For a good time call the police?
     This one actually made the list because of the story behind it.  Everyone has seen the standard 'For a good time call 555-5555' graffiti on a bathroom stall.  Most of the time in regular bathrooms that number is actually just a jaded losers ex-girlfriends phone number.  At truck stops though prostitution is an actual problem and this graffiti was actually placed as a sting by the local police.  So, when Joe Truckdriver dialed up to arrange his 'good time' he was actually making a date to spend the night in jail for soliciting prostitution.

#4. Help, I can't see my willy when I look down!
     This one struck a personal chord with me because not only is it funny but, as a fat guy myself, it also hit me close to home.

#3. Only white people pee on the floor.
     This one is great because it works on so many levels. It can be everything from a nonsensical comment to a derogatory racial statement.  It all depends on how insecure the person reading it is.  Is the artist trying to say that white guys have no manners?  Or is it a statement that white boys have worse aim because their wieners are further from the bowl?    

Car Salesman Joke

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my ass!" Just after blurting that out he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That’s okay," the blonde replied, "I'm a stripper, and I have a very similar problem, If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car!"

Virgin Conspiracies - 'Cup Of Soup'

     Hi, I'm Stanley.  I'm 27, a level 29 elf mage in D & D, an Internet, and computer wizard, a very snappy dresser, a Mensa member, and a virgin.  I rent out the basement of my Moms house for free.  I love living with my Mom, I really do, and I love my Mommy tons but, I think she is lying to me about a lot of things.  I aim to find out using the wonderful tools of my soul mate, the Internet, to find out if she is.
     Mom says that if I moved out of her basement I'd find the world very cold, and hard to survive in.  Mom says that I wouldn't even be able to afford to feed myself on my measly six figure salary.  But, I have been doing some research, and I just discovered an affordable food item called 'Cup Of Soup'.

Stupidity Epidemic

     Science has let us down yet again by ignoring the biggest disease plaguing humanity today.  It is a disease that an overwhelming majority of the population is afflicted by, and all of society is affected by everyday.  I'm speaking of course about stupidity.  Stupidity is completely out of control, and something must be done to cease this epidemic right away before the stupidity epidemic is allowed to do more damage to our world than it already has.  So, like always, I have decided to fix this problem for the world myself.

Quick Fixes To ALL Your Problems!

     ALWAYS tackle your life's problems the quickest and easiest way you possibly can.  Try not to think at all, it just wastes time.  Trust me, I've solved all of my life's problems in the fastest and simplest way I possibly could and I'm doing AWESOME!
     The first step is drastically lowering your standard of what awesome is to a reachable level.  If you think your quality of life is low, it isn't, your standards are just way too high.  Be realistic, know what your limits are, and what you can achieve with the amount of effort you are willing to put in.  The second thing you need to do is stop caring.  If you don't care, you can't be disappointed.  So, stop caring, and you'll be happy in no time.  Third, and most importantly, avoid all your problems so that they can't bother you.  Are bill collectors hounding you?  Ask yourself, why am I answering the phone?  God invented caller id for a reason, shame on you if your not using it.
     See, all of your problems are now fixed, and you have plenty of time left for you, the only person that matters.  All that's left for you to do now is to send me $49.99 for fixing your life for you.  Once you do that you will finally feel complete. Oh, and by the way, your welcome.

NOT!!!

     'Not' is the greatest trump card invented by children EVER!  The word 'Not' makes it April Fools day ALL the time.  It's brilliant, and incredibly versatile.  Here are just a few of the billions of examples of how you can use the word 'Not';

- You look great in those pants... NOT!!!

- Yeah, I have that money I owe you... NOT!!!

- Yes, of course it's your baby... NOT!!!

     It's amazing how great just three little letters can be.  The possibilities are endless when your not inhibited by maturity.

McDouble - The Conspiracy

     At McDonald's, do you know what the difference is between a double cheeseburger and a McDouble besides thirty cents in price?  One piece of cheese y'all, that's it.  A double cheeseburger has two slices of cheese, and a McDouble only has one.  That may seem like a rip-off but, what people don't realize is, that missing piece is that melvita cheese.  It's true.  It takes fat folk taste buds to catch it, but it's a fact.

Holiday Meals

     The secret ingredient to any holiday dinner is sitting across the dinner table from a father-in-law who cannot stand you and doesn't respect you.  Nothing brings out the flavor of your holiday meals like large amounts of disapproval and guilt.  For maximum flavor and enjoyment of the meal you really need to feel unwelcome and completely unwanted.  You need to feel as though you should have paid to sit down, and are even unsure if you are sitting in the right spot.  If you aren't staring longingly at the kids table, wishing you were over there, that turkey just won't taste right.

Getting Old

     I am getting old, it's a fact, just ask my kids.  My birthday is rolling around again tomorrow, and when my daughter found out she asked me how old I was going to be.  I told her that I'd be turning 37, and her jaw dropped open, her eyes grew wide with wonder, and amazement, and she simply replied - "Wow, that's old.".  Both of my boys quickly agreed with her and just like that, I was declared old.  The kids are our future, and mine just collectively decided that I'm a relic of the past.

Finding My Bromance

     Making new male friends as an adult is very hard, at least it is for me.  As a kid it was so easy.  You could meet another little boy at a playground and be blood brothers by lunchtime.  It was just so simple back then.  You'd just walk up and say 'Cool big wheel, wanna be friends?'.  They'd say sure and, next thing you know, your riding big wheels with your new best friend.  By the end of the day you might even have a sleepover at his house.  As an adult male, if you meet a guy you like, and want to be friends with him, it's very hard to close the deal.
     It even feels kind of homo erotic making a move like asking for his phone number.  At least it does to me, and I'm quite secure in my sexuality but, it's just so tough to take that leap.  I mean what if he rejects you.  Now your standing there swimming in a sea of palpable awkwardness from the rejection.  Then, your definitely gay.  Gay, and rejected.  You would have been better off to have just gave him a surprise reach around.  Y'all would be in the same awkward situation but, at least then, there would be a damn good reason for it.