23 Amazing Facts About Bacon

- Roughly 11% of a pigs weight is made up of useable meat for bacon.

- 3 slices of cooked bacon equals approximately 100 calories and properly cooked tastes 105% awesome.

- Statistically 71% of the time bacon and eggs are eaten together as a meal.

- Restaurants and the food service industry use more than 1.7 billion pounds of bacon a year.

- The United States alone consumed an estimated 32 billion slices of bacon last year alone.

- A pigs tail isn't always curly. It can also be kinky, or even straight.

- Eating bacon can cure a hangover.

- 19% of pork that is consumed annually is in bacon form.

- Statistics show that 70% of bacon is consumed at breakfast time.

- Most bacon bits aren't baon at all. They are mostly vegetarian. Always look for the 'Real' bacon bits.

Cellular Love Story

     The text message only said, "Very clever" but I still knew right away that she must be talking about me so I replied, "Why thank you baby". A few seconds later my phone beeped again and I saw that she had replied back as I had always known she would, the message simply said, "Sorry, wrong number". It was at that very moment that I knew I had her right where I wanted her. I leaped at the opportunity and immediately sent her my best naked selfie. I hashtagged it #4MyLove from #OrgasmHeaven.
     I'm still waiting for her reply because she must have dropped her phone in ecstasy upon seeing my beast out in the breeze like that and she lost all her contacts. I can only imagine how upset she must already be at herself and it just breaks my heart to think of her suffering like that. When I finally mount her all will be set right but until then unfortunatly she yearns for me unsatisfied.
     I drove around and tried to find her but it was too difficult because I didnt know what she looked much less her name. I couldnt get a response from her number anymore either so I guess she hadn't replaced her phone yet. It makes me feel terrible that I lost my new girlfriends phone number before I could even ask her name or have sex with her.
     Then all the sudden it hit me, I could just do a reverse look up on her phone number. Once it came to me I was actually kind of angry with myself for not thinking of it sooner. It took no time at all on Google for me to get her name and home address. Ill change her name to Sarah here to protect her identity and I cant give out her real address but lets just say that from Google earth's images her house seemed to be really nice. But, of course it was. She lived there and she was totally hot smart sweet sexy and totally awesome after all.
      According to MapQuest it turned out that she was only a four hour drive away from me so I jumped in my car and headed for my her house eager for our first 'real world' encounter. It had to be one of the most romantic things thats ever been done in life. As i drove to see her I felt like John Cusack in every 80's movie that he ever did which is to say I felt amazing. Journey blasted through my car's stereos speakers as I headed towards my sexy little minxs brick two story house at the end of that long windy driveway in that quaint little wooded cul-de-sac.
      All I could think about as I rocked out hard to some serious classic rock ballads was how excited and aroused she was going to be when she first saw me in just a few hours. I hoped she didnt pass out from the excitement so I wouldn't have to wait too long to ravage her like she needs me to. I tried to call her on my way but for some reason my number had been blocked. It must have happened on accident in her shock when she first laid eyes on my gorgeous albino anaconda. I could ask her about it in a little while anyway when I saw her. Then I imagined we'd probably make love for awhile before finally taking a break to go out to dinner, maybe get her a new phone, and probably a box of fine wine as well.
     I was almost to her house and was already beginning to get very nervous. I wondered things like what if she doesnt like fat guys or what if I finished too quickly during sex with her? Girls always hated that, or so I'd always heard. I'd just have to try my very best is all. It was too late to back out now anyway, I was there.
     I pulled into her driveway still at least a full three quarters hard and a full five quarters excited. I walked right up to her door despite the fact that every light in her house was off and it was 3:15 am. Destiny didn't care about clocks, time, or lights. Plus, I knew she'd still be up thinking about me and my sexy sex hog. I had rang the doorbell only 11 times before she rushed to answer the door.
     'Sarah' pretended to be shocked to see me standing on her porch in a thong but I saw her staring hard at my bulge all the same. She told me to leave, said she was calling the cops, but all the while her eyes kept seducing my crotch. She couldnt get enough of staring at it. I'm not stupid, I got the hint. She wanted to study the goods first. Of course she did, she was a smart girl. Plus I was noticing 'Sarah' liked to play a little bit before sex time.
     I decided that I would join along in her little game. I assured her that I was sorry and I would leave and then I got back in my car. I slowly backed out of her driveway and drove down her street away from her house.
     Two blocks up I ditched the car and doubled back on foot. No one noticed me at all as I glided like a ninja to her back porch. Through her sliding glass door I watched her talking on the phone. She was pacing back and forth and she had a baseball bat in her cute little hand. Damn, I thought, this chick could really role play good. I knew then that I'd have to step my game up a bit so I ditched my thong and climbed the tree naked to the second floor of her house.
     I didn't see the cops arrive because I was already hiding butt naked under her covers waiting for her to find me. I heard talking downstairs but I just figured she had invited some friends over to play with us. I figured I'd go along with it this one time, unless of course she was planning to use that bat on me, but later we'd have to set some boundries. I didn't want to embarrass her in front of her friends on our first time having sex.
     I don't remember exactly how many times I got tasered when they found me naked in 'Sarah's' bed but it was a whole lot. I tried to say I was sorry but all that came out out was 'Fuck You Pigs' which they didn't like at all. Matter of fact, I think that was when the fat one punched me in the eye a bunch of times until everything got all blurry.
     I go to court this Tuesday and I'm really hoping that me and Sarah can get through this little rough patch and have sex right after. My lawyer thinks that its more likely I'll get 6 months in county if I'm lucky. But he doesn't know 'Sarah' like i do so I've got my fingers crossed for at least a hug and a handy J in the elevator.
    
    

Bills

    You may have noticed that we havent been around for you lately.  The reason is I have been without Internet because I'm poor and couldn't pay my cable bill and still eat, so being fat I chose food, and unfortunatly that meant that you, my loyal constant reader, has been screwed out of your precious Laughing At Life 2 funny that you need and crave.
     I want you to know it was nothing you did.  Do not blame yourselves.  I still love you just as much as ever and I always will.  This was only between me and money and as soon as money and I can work out our differences I will be back and things will be ok once again.  Stay strong and know I'm proud of you for how well you've handled this.

The Motion Of The Ocean

     Sex can put a ton of pressure on us guys.  I really don't think the ladies know just how much pressure there really is on us men when it comes to sex.  Sometimes guys can get very serious performance anxiety because it's just so damn stressful.  Especially the first time your with a girl.  Forget about it, OMG, that can be super fkn scary. 
     The main reason it's so stressful and scary is because we really want to do a good job so we can get a return engagement not to mention a good review.  We have to give 110% that first time because we may not ever get a second chance and, we really want that second chance because, that means more sex for us.  So, God forbid we blow it, because she not only won't give us anymore lovin', but she could also totally ruin us socially and humiliate us among her female friends, not to mention on Facebook. 
     So really it's like having sex with all her friends at the same time without getting to have sex with all her friends because they are all going to hear all about your strong or lack thereof.  So, there is a ton on the line once the panties drop and the action starts.  It's like and audition, or the world's most naked job interview.

Put a Thong on Your Strong,

My number one rule with sex and love is simple, when it comes to loving someone, or even yourself, if it feels good do it.  Do it all, do it often, and do it well.

Sex feels good and It's fun to be kinky.

     I mean, just how uptight do you have to be to keep yourself from doing something that makes you feel AMAZING for whatever stupid reason?  I say, do what you want.  And, you know what, FK whoever that doesn't like what your doing.  Not only doesn't it matter at all what they think but, their opinion isn't even slightly important.  It's your life and, you only get one, so live it.

     I honestly believe that.  Freedom in sex is crucial.  That is, if you want to experience heaven on this earth.  I thought just regular plain old sex was great.  But, open minded, sexually free, wild sex is definitely where it's at.