Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris never had baby teeth.
2. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
3. Chuck Norris can give women a hard-on.
4. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
5. When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his living room. The bear isn't dead he's just afraid to move.
7. When Chuck Norris walks into a court room the judge stands up and says, "All rise".
8. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
9. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi-trucks gas tank. That semi truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
10. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
11. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a uni-cycle.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't mow the lawn. He goes outside and dares the grass to grow.
13. Armageddon is defined as the day Chuck Norris gets bored with us.
14. Chuck Norris doesn't age, he levels up.
15. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only 3 moves.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he needs.
17. Outer space exists because it's scared to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
19. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, there is only another fist.
20. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
21. Chuck Norris is the best soccer player to score a touchdown in the NBA.
22. Chuck Norris punched water and left a dent.
23. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make him drink.
24. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch HE decides what time it is.
25. Chuck Norris can bite his own ear.
26. Chuck Norris can make a vegetarian ham sandwich.
27. Chuck Norris is so strong he can flex his eyebrows.
28. Chuck Norris can jump start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
29. Chuck Norris was his teacher in 1st grade.
30. Chuck Norris found Waldo - BEFORE the books came out.
31. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. She served him whisky straight out of the bottle.
32. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
33. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
34. Chuck Norris once gave a cop a ticket for speeding.
35. Chuck Norris CAN see Lady Gaga's poker face.
36. If at first you don't succeed, your not Chuck Norris.
37. Chuck Norris once rode a 9 foot grizzly bear through a car wash instead of taking a shower.
38. If you stare at the American flag long enough you'll see a 3D image of Chuck Norris.
39. Chuck Norris can gargle with honey.
40. Chuck Norris beat the Hulk in an arm-wrestling contest...with his leg.
41. Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow.
42. Chuck Norris has one pet. It's name is fear.
43. Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
44. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago Death is just too afraid to tell him.
45. Chuck Norris can give you a wet willie with a dry finger.
46. Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.
47. Chuck Norris can hit a grand slam with no one on base.
48. Guns sleep with a picture of Chuck Norris under their pillow.
49. Chuck Norris can clap with only one hand.
50. Chuck Norris can shoplift on Ebay.
51. Chuck Norris can play guitar on drums.
52. Chuck Norris abducts aliens.
53. Chuck Norris NEVER loses his cell phone signal...even in a tunnel.
54. When Chuck Norris makes breakfast, the eggs crack themselves.
55. Chuck Norris invented volcanoes so he could finally heat water for his bath.
56. Chuck Norris' awesomeness is the ONLY thing that makes ALL these facts true out of fear of Chuck.
57. Chuck Norris doesn't have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame, they had to give him his own constelation.  It's simply called 'Roundhouse'.
58. He-Man apologized once to Chuck Norris because he had the exact same haircut.
59. Chuck Norris writes every Chuck Norris fact himself to make sure they are bad ass.
60. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in algebra.
61.  Chuck Norris told Mike Tyson to bite Evander Hollyfields ear with only his mind from his own living room because he thought that Evander was headbutting too much.
62. Chuck Norris will not EVER own a cat. When asked why he responded only, "I'm Chuck Norris fool, I will NOT ever have a pussy in my house".
63. Chuck Norris beat up Rocky in Rocky 6 but, Sylvester Stallone refused to release the movie because Rocky was supposed to win the fight but, he just couldn't do it because he was fighting Chuck Norris.
64. Chuck Norris charges $5 not to roundhouse kick your face if you make eye contact with him.
65. What time is it when Chuck Norris knocks on your door.  Too late fool, that's what time it is.
66. You can stare at the sun longer than you can stare at Chuck Norris before you go blind.
67. Chuck Norris has breakfast with God and Jesus every Wednesday just because they want him too.
68. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
69. Chuck Norris can only digest barb wire and rusty nails and poops out bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.
70. Chuck Norris is Batman.
71. Chuck Norris knows the truth about 9/11 but, revenge is best served cold.
72. When a cop pulls over Chuck Norris he gives himself a ticket.
73. Chuck Norris invented Doritoes Loco tacos.
74. Chuck Norris wrote the 2nd amendment.
75. Chuck Norris can fly, but he won't.
76. Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You just answered the wrong phone.
77. Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
78. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
79. Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language.
80. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only 3 moves.
81. Chuck Norris can light a flame by rubbing two ice cubes together.
82. Chuck Norris can run until the treadmill gets tired.
83. Chuck Norris can see through lead.
84. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
85. There is no such thing as a solar eclipse. When Chuck Norris stares at the sun, it hides behind the moon.
86. Chuck Norris can swim on land.
87. Micheal Jackson invented the 'Moonwalk' while trying to quietly back away from Chuck Norris.
88. Chuck Norris was banned from the UFC so it would be competitive.
89. Bill Gates lives in a state of constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
90. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, but his heart lost.
91. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles because hair doesn't grow on steel.
92. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
93. Chuck Norris' calander goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. NO ONE fools Chuck Norris.
94. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger he's just telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
95. If you mispell Chuck Norris on Google it doesn't say, 'Did you mean Chuck Norris'.  It simply replies, 'Run while you still have a chance'.
96. A cobra once bit Chuck Norris and after 5 days of excruciating pain the cobra finally died.
97. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
98. Before something becomes a law the president first runs it by Chuck Norris.
99. Chuck Norris can hear twice as fast as the speed of sound.
100. Chuck Norris is his own grandpa.