Cap'n Crunch: Fake Captain and Horse's Ass

Cap'n Crunch is a ruthless son of a bitch.

 He is very well aware that his cereal cuts the hell out of the roof of your mouth and he simply just does not care.

Trust me y'all, he's a jerk, PERIOD.

Just look at that smug ass smile on his face...he knows damn well he's not putting that spoonful of golden razors into his mouth. My God, I mean, just look at how calm he is in that picture. He knows damn well he ain't eating that spoonful of Golden daggers.

That's as far as that spoon is going to go, right there 2 inches from his mouth, it ain't going past that moustache.

 Hell, you can tell just from the lack of fear in his blue eyes that spoon stops right there. Because, everyone who eats Cap'n Crunch cereal knows damn well it's gonna hurt like hell and yet I see no fear in those big blue eyes at all.

I don't see a bit of concern at all really. I see a lying cereal ship captain.  Which is a huge lie as well.  He's no captain.  He's a Cap'n, whatever that is and of what is he even Cap'n of exactly?  Has anyone ever even seen his boat ever?  I don't see a boat eye patch or a parrot.  I see a liar and a jerk.

You can be a big fake Cap'n and even fake a big 'ol eager smile on your face really easy but, faking trust?  That's different.

Trust is hard to fake in the eyes.   Especially in the eyes, the eyes don't like to lie.  Great actors can do it but tricking your eyes and controlling true fear is a talent.

This guy is just a bad man who will cut any kid to shred at $4 a box and does not give a sh*t.

That is not a picture of someone about to eat Cap'n Crunch...in that picture you can clearly see that his mouth definitely trusts his hand not to actually put that spoon inside of it or any closer at all or there would be fear in those eyes.

Fk, Cap'n Crunch, or whatever his name really is, knows damn well he wouldn't eat one spoonful of Cap'n Crunch cereal but he'll sure trick just as many kids as his lying deceitful *ss can into doing just that, and has over a 50 year career.

Just mercilessly cutting small children and stoner's mouths up to rivets no problem.

Why you say?  I told you...It's because Cap'n Crunch is an asshole...That's all.

Now don't get me wrong here.

Cap'n Crunch's cereal is delicious.

I love it.

It hurts to eat it for sure, no doubt, but its really very tasty.

Oh and don't even get me started on his fkn Crunch Berries.  OMG!, those colorful round crunchy sugar sh*t's are delicious. 

You know whats weird though.., Crunch Berries are round and yet they even cut your mouth up worse than the jagged ass rectangles of the regular plain kind.  Riddle on that a bit...?

But fuck me, I love that dirty bastards cereal and so do a lot of folks.

It's just soooo damn good is all.  Crazy true but, I'm not the only one that thinks so.

It's a hella popular *ss breakfast cereal, and it has been for as  long as Ol' 'Tony The Tiger's' Frosted Flakes have been coated in milky sugar. 

We eat it in spite of the pain.  Lot's and Lot's of people do every day for breakfast, so you can imagine, it must be a pretty damn good cereal beings that we all know for a fact that it cuts our mouth up every time, we fkn eat it anyway, joyfully and even willingly.

Seriously though, sugary shits painful to eat, that's a fact so it should be a dead give away that it's delicious for it to have stayed so popular for so long full of tiny shards of glass or whatever that twisted sugar Cap'n puts in that crap that makes it such a violent breakfast treat

Cap'n Crunch cereal has been cutting the shit out of the roves of millions of peoples mouths and our dumb ass's just keep lining back up for more torture.
So yes, it's delicious, I can totally recommend eating it everyday for sure but, if you do, always remember.., drink your orange juice first.

That's an important tip most people won't tell you, especially not that mute ass lying crunch Cap'n, but its true.

If you wait to drink it after the Crunchy goodness the acid in the OJ will play pure hell on your freshly shredded up mouth. Cap'n Crunch is tasty but it's fkn ruthless.

So in closing, my point here is not to tell you to not Cap'n Crunch's delicious golden sugary cereal. That's totally up to you entirely. Eat it, don't eat it, either way. I'd eat it if I was you, it's worth the pain, but serially my objective here was always simply to point out once and for all, the fact that, Cap'n Crunch the man, and BS Cap'n is a complete jerk and a filthy liar and he just really sucks.  No other cereal monster or mascot likes Cap'n Crunch at all.  He has no friends, not one damn crew member, and he Cap'ns a spoon.

He's a liar for sure, he absolutely refuses to admit the fact that his cereal ALWAYS shreds mouths up something fierce every bowl and he knows it damn well but, he's a jerk and, he doesn't even warn you with an evil wink or disclaimer or fkn decoder ring.., not nothing.

Tell me that shit ain't ruthless!

Dammit that picture of him faking that bite is the worst..,

Go ahead, I challenge you, just try to eat one spoonful as fearless and even eager as that liar seems in that picture and you'll never ever do it again.  You'll pay for that mistake in mouth skin for sure..,

Anyways folks, you just gotta be cautious to enjoy the Cap'n is all. He won't prepare you for eating his cereal at all. Honestly, he is useless.

F U Cap'n Crunch.., F U straight in the A.  Deep.

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