Random funny jokes that I was told, or read somewhere, or maybe even overheard someone tell recently.., Read, laugh, and enjoy.
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"
While preparing for surgery, the Dr asks the Billionaire if he'd consider trying a new kind of penis-replacement surgery done that will enhance the size of his former self.
Intrigued, the billionaire says "YES! By all means I want to be bigger!" So the Dr explains that there has been some recent tests on graphing a baby elephant's trunk to replace a human penis and the results have been pretty amazing.
Excited about the possibility of having an extraordinary penis the size of an elephant's trunk, the billionaire quickly approves and agrees with this procedure.
Several weeks after recovering and anxious for a chance to be out with his new larger self, the billionaire attends a huge banquet and sits across an amazingly beautiful young woman.
As the silver dinner trays are delivered to the tables a tray of large baked potatoes is placed right in front of the billionaire as he winks slyly at the lovely lady across from him.
Just then, the trunk reaches up on the table and grabs a baked potato and is quickly gone under the table.
The young pretty woman is astonished. She says "Can you do that again?"
The billionaire squeamishly says "Lady, I think I could do it again but I don't think my ass can fit another potato in it"
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit ...and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She ripped a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she sh*ts on you!"
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