Stand-Up Jokes

"A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss." -- Tina Fey

"What the hell were they doin' with a car on the g-d damn moon? You're on the moon already! Isn't that far enough?" -- Jerry Seinfeld

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." -- Mitch Hedberg

"My first marriage SUCKED. But, I bet that's just something that people with sh*tty marriages say." -- Shawn Yankey

"I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells." -- Richard Pryor

"I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom." -- Daniel Tosh

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff." -- George Carlin

911 call
"Hello, emergency...
Help! Help, motherf**ker, they coming to get me!
Now, just come down sir. Where are you?
Oooohhh! Oh, I shit on myself! I can't stop crying!
They play that s**t 30 or 40 times a day. Man, you see your buddies at your funeral. You know Dave s**t on himself before he died. Saw it on the news, died crying like a bitch. I be dead, I can't defend myself. That's not a nice thing to do. That's not a nice thing to do. No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that s**t would sound ridiculous:
Hello, emergency...
Hi. Hey 911 how are you? Yeah, aah, look... There's a group of hooded white men gathering outside my house. And it looks like they mean business. "Get out here ni**er." I gotta go. You guys try and hurry." -- Dave Chappelle

"I'm suprised there aren't a lot more fat lesbians, all they ever talk about is eating out." -- Shawn Yankey

"A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake." -- Mitch Hedberg

"I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse." -- Dennis Miller

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too." -- Jake Johansen

"My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend." -- Anthony Jeselnik

"I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?" -- George Carlin

"My ex-wife was very photogenic, if she looked good she could have been a model." -- Shawn Yankey

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right." -- Richard Pryor

"I want to do another reality show based on 'The Mole,' but it's really about STDs -- sexually transmitted diseases -- and it's called, 'God, I Hope That's a Mole.'" -- Zach Galifianakis

"If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament." -- Mitch Hedberg

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." -- Bill Cosby

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporaily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporaily Stairs. Sorry for the convienience." -- Mitch Hedberg

"I saw this guy hitchhiking with a sign that said "Heaven." So I hit him." -- Steven Wright

"It is truly an honor and a privilege for me to be here at Pinehurst School, or whatever your school is called today. I say it's a privilege, because its a violation of my parole to be around children. But enough about that! Hello little boys and little girls! Mmmm mmmm mmmm!" -- Dave Chappelle
"If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo." -- David Cross

"They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we f**king turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."
You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know,NNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say s**t. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, f**king say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, f**king s-say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"
Right, but yeah, you say things, but sometimes you say some s**t and then you think about it like two hours later, and you're like, "What the f**k was I talking about?!" And you get all embarrassed, like I was with this girl recently, right, and I was just totally in the zone, right, and out of nowhere I was like, "Ohhhh yeaaaaah, my d**k feels like corn." Sounded good at the time. She didn't even miss a beat, she was like, "Gimme the butter, baby, gimme the butter! Come on, Orville Redembacher, pop that p***y!" -- Dane Cook

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." -- Jim Carrey

I'm gonna miss Oprah.
I loved that show but there was always one thing on that show that I never understood.

I never understood why Oprah had a book club, I always thought that she really shoulda had a food club.
If she tells me some book is good I always just think she's just kissing someone's ass
but if Oprah told me a cake was good...I'm buyin that fkn cake.
Oprah knows about food. -- Shawn Yankey

"I worked some gigs in the Deep South ... Alabama ...You talk about Darwin's waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father." -- Dennis Miller

"When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way." -- Chris Rock

"My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first." -- Mitch Hedberg

"I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, 'You know, Chelsea, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.' I'm like, 'Listen, f**knut, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.'" -- Chelsea Handler

"Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" -- Gilbert Gottfried
"They lie about marijuana: 'Marijuana makes you unmotivated.' Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference." -- Bill Hicks

"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories." -- Steven Wright

"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." -- Ray Romano

"The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' -- they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'" -- Daniel Tosh

"Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?" -- George Carlin

"This shirt is "dry clean only"... which means it's dirty." -- Mitch Hedberg

"I got a real depressing letter from my folks about two weeks ago, because I haven't been taking real good care of my money. They said, 'Sam, we can't send you any more money. You're out of control, and you don't know what the fuck you're doing with your cash. And... you're old enough to be on your own.' I said, 'Oh, okay'... and I called them. I said, 'Mom, get dad on the phone too, wake him up, I know it's late, but I want you both to hear this. You know, before I was your little son, before I was your baby, before I was your LOAN, I was a free spirit in the next stage of life. I walked in the cosmos, not imprisoned by a body of flesh, but free, in a pure body of light. There were no questions, only answers, no weaknesses, only strengths, I was light, I was truth, I was a spiritual being, I was a God... but you had to FUCK and bring my ass down HERE. I didn't ask to be born! I didn't call and say: 'Hey, please have me so I could work in a fuckin' Winchell's someday!' Now you want me to pay my own way? ... FUCK YOU! PICK UP THE FUCKIN' CHECK, MOM! PICK IT UP!'" -- Sam Kinison

"I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on the wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down... When he knocked on the wall, I would mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around.'" -- Mitch Hedberg

"I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time." -- Demitri Martin

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." -- George Carlin

"When Gatorade has a commercial, they always have like a guy playin' sports. I don't think ya have be like playing sports and sweating to enjoy a Gatorade. I just think you can be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. "I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason, other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade, too? Or does that lightningbolt mean 'No'?" -- Mitch Hedberg

"Gus, what the f–– is wrong with your wife? Why can't she walk a flight of steps? You come over every motherf––ing year, Gus, and you burn down my motherf––ing back yard, and your wife rips down the steps. Why?! I work hard to get my place beautiful. And then the motherf––er comes over and rip the steps down. Look at the motherf––ing steps, they're f––ed up, Gus. Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps? Cause she's a fat, hairy b––h. That's why. That's why, Gus. And my children are afraid of your wife. Eddie's afraid of her. He has nightmares about you wife. I went in his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, crying, "Oh, help me, help me!" I woke him, I shook him, said, "what's wrong?" He said, "Aunt Bunny is coming to get me." He's afraid of your wife, cause she has a bigger moustache than his father." -- Eddie Murphy

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." -- Steven Wright

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." -- George Carlin

"How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'" -- Jim Gaffigan

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?" -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts." -- Whitney Cummings

"Now, I'd like to do a few characters, if I can. This first character I've been working on is called The Timid Pimp, and he's on the phone with one of his hookers. Here we go: The Timid Pimp -- 'Um, hi, Amber? Hi, it's Marcus. Yeah, I can hold.'" -- Zach Galifianakis

"Liquor advertising is the only product where they just know who they're selling to. You don't see Cheetos going, 'Hey man-boobs -- Cheetos!" -- Patton Oswalt

"I intend to live forever - so far, so good." -- Steven Wright

"I do love women. I don’t think they get enough sexual attention. Guys aren’t as in touch with that until they’ve been married a couple of times. After my second divorce, I said, “Hey, I bet if I learned how to f*ck really good I won’t have to give away everything I own every five f*cking years!" -- Sam Kinison

"Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like "He's still here!" Whack! "Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ni**er broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere." -- Dave Chappelle

"What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!" -- Rodney Dangerfield

"Let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more? That don't make no f**king sense! Now I didn't go to no fancy school or nothing, but I'll tell you this right now -- if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house." -- Chris Rock

"I was watching Maury Povich the other day. They had the episode, 'Is it Male or Female?' And I'm sitting there with an erection, 'Oh, all of them are good.'" -- Tracy Morgan

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." -- George Carlin

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D. For doughnut." -- Mitch Hedburg

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five." -- Steven Wright

"I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down." -- Mitch Hedberg

"Edible underwear? Even during sex, we can't stop eating." -- Greg Giraldo

"I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'" -- Louis C.K.

"I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And she was like, 'I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.' And she was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And I was like, 'Bears.'" -- Mike Birbiglia

"I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. Really. On my hands and knees, wishing it upon every one of you. That's how much I love TV. Think it's great. I watched "The Love Connection." That's gotta be the most depressing show I've ever seen in my life. Adult human beings on national television, groveling for dates. Have some self-respect: stay home and jerk off, man. Guys, buy a Hustler, toss off a load, go about your f*cking day, all right? Have some dignity." -- Bill Hicks

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'" -- Daniel Tosh

"I was raped by a doctor...Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl." -- Sarah Silverman

"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that." -- Mitch Hedberg

"When I was a little girl, I was like, 'Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity,' and all these big dreams. Then, the third grade ended up being such a nutty year -- and I'm so glad I didn't wait for college 'cause I didn't end up getting accepted anywhere." -- Chelsea Handler

"If I ever commit suicide, here's what I plan to do -- you can use this -- I'm gonna fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do, I'm gonna stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way, when I smack into the sidewalk, I'll burst like this big, human pinata. That way, the on-lookers who walk up, they can go, 'Oh man, he really must have been depressed -- oh, Snickers! Alright!'" -- Patton Oswalt

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." -- Sam Kinison

"I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So, I got a cake." -- Mitch Hedberg

"It's really hard for me to perform tonight, and I'll tell you why -- four years ago to this very date, I decided to take my own life. And I said, 'Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and your manager at work. End the misery.' I don't know how many of you have tried to jump off a Pizza Hut, but you really just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. And then you have to go back inside and serve Crazy Bread." -- Zach Galifanakis

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." -- Jerry Seinfeld

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I think people should be allowed to do whatever they want. We haven't tried that for a while. maybe this time it'll work. -- George Carlin

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth." -- Janeane Garofalo

"There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out." -- Sam Kinison

"I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, 'You know, Chelsea, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.' I'm like, 'Listen, f**knut, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around." -- Chelsea Handler

"I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off. -- Ellen Degeneres

"If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts." -- Steven Wright

"You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.'" -- Jim Gaffigan

“If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CDs and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fuckin' high they let Ringo sing a few songs." -- Bill Hicks

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!" -- Rodney Dangerfield

"If you hit a midget on the head with a stick he turns into 40 gold coins." -- Patton Oswalt

"If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit." -- Mitch Hedberg

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better." -- Ellen DeGeneres

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it." -- Dave Barry

" There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?" -- Greg Giraldo

"Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on." -- Jon Stewart

"Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions." -- Kevin Hart

"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything." -- Tim Allen

"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game." -- Bill Dwyer

"People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there 'cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day." -- Louis C.K.

"Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in." -- Kristen Schaal

"My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' And I was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee's might grease the wheels a little.'" -- Mike Birbiglia

"That's a very white attitude. You can take a white guy to Africa, and he'd be like, 'Look at all the minorities they got over here. Jesus!'" -- Louis C.K.

"I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress." -- Bill Hicks

"This one homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'That's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?'" -- Greg Giraldo

"If Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday should be Panic, Regret, I Can't Find My Left Shoe and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? Day." -- Whitney Cummings

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one? Don’t eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" -- Jon Stewart

"We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe." -- Patton Oswalt

"Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green." -- Lewis Black

"When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up." -- Chelsea Handler

"Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?" -- Don Rickles

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison." -- Tim Allen

"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!" -- Sarah Silverman

"The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks." -- Whitney Cummings

"I went to this grade school where, one year, what they decided to do was divide all the kids up into two different math groups, based on your abilities. The first group you could be in was called the Blue Angels, and it was named after the famous aviators. And the other group was called Group Two. We were a swell bunch of kids in Group Two. The best part of it is, we picked the name ourselves. The teacher was like, 'What are we going to call you, group two?' And we're like, 'Bingo! You got it right there. Four and five is 12.'" -- John Mulaney

"I wish I was ethnic; I'm nothing. 'Cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper.' But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'" -- Jim Gaffigan

"It's always better to have people think you're crazy rather than stupid 'cause stupid sucks. Nobody's nice to stupid people. Nobody even feels bad for them. If you're stupid, people just go, 'What are you -- stupid? You stupid sh*t." -- Louis C.K.

"Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't -- we have big, fat kids." -- Greg Giraldo

"I'm from a very large family -- nine parents." -- Jim Gaffigan

"White people gotta bungee jump and ski and all that stuff. We face living in the 'hood all the time. We don't have to search for any adventure and seek adventure and stuff. I'm black -- just me trying to pay my bills is an adventure." -- Tracy Morgan

"I dated a guy who was half-black, but he totally dumped me because I'm such a loser. Wow! I just heard myself say that. I am such a pessimist... He's actually half-white." -- Sarah Silverman

"Here's another idea that should be punctured, the idea that childbirth is a miracle. I don't know who started this rumor but it's not a miracle. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your butt. It's a chemical reaction and a biological reaction. You want to know a miracle? A miracle is raising a kid that doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater . . . I'll go you one further, and this is the routine that has virtually ended my career in America. If you have children here tonight—and I assume some of you do—I am sorry to tell you this. They are not special. I'll let that sink in. Don't get me wrong, folks. I know you think they're special. You think that. I'm telling you—they're not. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? Did you know that? And you mean to tell me you think your child is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm connected . . . that load? Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest, with a grey gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. That is special. And I want you to think about that, you two-egg-carrying beings out there with that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I have tossed universes, in my underpants, while napping. That is special." -- Bill Hicks

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