Found or Overheard Jokes, vol8

Enjoy these three funny jokes that I found or overheard...

A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with another woman. She immediately flies into a fit of rage at the sight. Fire in her eyes, she walks over to the bed, grabs her husband by the willy, and pulls him out to the garage. She puts his now flaccid penis in a vice, breaks off the handle, and leaves him there, trapped, while she walks over to a rack of tools. He frantically tries to escape, but the vice won't budge. Just as she reaches for a saw, her husband says, "Dear god, you're not going to cut it off, are you?!" She stops shouting.

Walks to her terrified husband, saw in hand.

Throws it on the ground beside him.

Looks him deep in the eyes and says, "No. I'm just going to set the house on fire."

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Impressed he buys himself a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?" "Well", he says, "There are three colors. Gold, silver, and bronze. "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asked. "Gold of course", the man says proudly. The wife smiles and responds, "Really? Why don't you wear the silver. It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol7

Here are the latest funny jokes that I was told or overheard or maybe just found that I'm gonna share with you, my loyal laughing readers..,

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A man left work on Friday afternoon but, since it was payday, instead of heading home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his boys and spent his whole paycheck.  When he finally came home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and she tore him a new for hours.  After reaming him royally she finally asked him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two whole days?".  To which the man replied without hesitation, "That would be just fine by me."  So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.  Tuesday and Wednesday came and went as well and still he didn't see her.  Then on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough that he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.

I just love marriage jokes.  They are always so damn funny because they are just so damn true.  My wife would beat me down for running my mouth like that too.

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol6

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol6

Random funny jokes that I was told, or read somewhere, or maybe even overheard someone tell recently.., Read, laugh, and enjoy.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"

‘Aren't the elderly adorable?'

 While preparing for surgery, the Dr asks the Billionaire if he'd consider trying a new kind of penis-replacement surgery done that will enhance the size of his former self.

Intrigued, the billionaire says "YES! By all means I want to be bigger!" So the Dr explains that there has been some recent tests on graphing a baby elephant's trunk to replace a human penis and the results have been pretty amazing.

Excited about the possibility of having an extraordinary penis the size of an elephant's trunk, the billionaire quickly approves and agrees with this procedure.

Several weeks after recovering and anxious for a chance to be out with his new larger self, the billionaire attends a huge banquet and sits across an amazingly beautiful young woman.

As the silver dinner trays are delivered to the tables a tray of large baked potatoes is placed right in front of the billionaire as he winks slyly at the lovely lady across from him.

Just then, the trunk reaches up on the table and grabs a baked potato and is quickly gone under the table.

The young pretty woman is astonished. She says "Can you do that again?"

The billionaire squeamishly says "Lady, I think I could do it again but I don't think my ass can fit another potato in it"

‘When isn't it funny for a billionare to get his potato where it belongs?'

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol5

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol5

Random funny jokes that I was told or overheard recently..,

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

‘I found that couples calmness in the face of danger hilarious and inspiring.’

 On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

‘That's how I wanna go.’

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol4

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol4

Random funny jokes that I was told or overheard recently..,

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

‘See, it's funny cuz it's true.’

 

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

‘Isn't that just adorable?'

Click below for more funny...

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol3

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol3

Random funny jokes that I was told or overheard recently..,

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

‘Who says clean jokes can't be funny?'

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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

‘I know that one was a classic, but even though its an oldie, it's still a goodie'

Click below for more..,

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol2

Found or Overheard Jokes, vol2

Random funny jokes that I was told or overheard recently..,

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

‘Isnt that joke just adorable?’

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I was tight."

‘Not only was that one cute, it was relatable...’

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here you go, iron this!".

‘Tell me sexism isn't funny...sure it is.'

Thanks for stopping by, come back soon and check out the new. ‘Laughing At’ coming the 25^th.