Miracle Diet Joke

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

Weights Are Heavy,

     I just joined a gym and I quickly found out when you sit most of the time working out is hard. Plus its seriously screwing with my smoking. Seriously, the first day I worked out I came out and lit a cigarette on my way to the car and immediately threw up. Ridiculous. What kinda smoker can't hold his smoke in public?


       They say "No pain No Gain." But I say avoiding pain is sane. I believe the whole reason we have pain receptors is to know what NOT to do.


     Also where is the beginners gym with people in it who look like me? I look like a freak in that place walking around sweating just because I'm walking around. Already out of breath and sweating just from glancing at the stair-climber.


    Will I look like these people soon or is it that someone like me joins and these people break your spirit so they can have the place all to themselves?


    I think these gyms give free memberships to the genetically gifted to lure you in and those same people intimidate you into leaving once you've paid. If not these freaks should have to wear before pics on their t-shirts to make us fatties feel better.


    In all seriousness though I really like the gym so far. I go really early is probably why. None of the genetic freaks are there yet to preen around and make me feel like a failure and I'm free to be a weakling without embarrassing myself. Its uncomfortable to be big like me but also weak like a pre-pubescent girl. I'm the kind of strong you get from sitting still and I'm that kind of big too. Its misleading to the eyes to see my 240lb 6ft tall frame straining to curl 20lbs dumbbell's. Especially since everyone knows you just started and this is only rep five set one and your already sweating and grunting like a rookie sailor after lights out.

Harpo 's Cakes

Oprah Winfrey. the queen of daytime television, was a large personality.

Her assets were vast and I'm going to miss her.  I liked her show but her book club confused me because I always thought that Oprah needed to have a food club.

I she tells me some book is good I think she's just kissing someones ass but, if she told me a cake was good..,

I'M BUYING THAT FUCKING CAKE. 

Oprah knows about food.