My Big Fat Skeleton

     "I'm not fat, I'm just big boned"...

     We've all heard this at some point, but have any of us ever believed it? Do any of us actually believe that some people actually have sturdy husky skeletons? I don't believe that we believe that and I don't believe that you believe we do either. 

    So, since we have established that no one is buying this big boned business, why are so many chubs still out there selling it? Who do they think even think that this ruse is fooling? Why do they even say that they're big boned instead of just owning it like a boss and just saying that they're fat? 

    But, most importantly what we wanted to find out once and for all is, why are we still allowing it?

Weights Are Heavy,

     I just joined a gym and I quickly found out when you sit most of the time working out is hard. Plus its seriously screwing with my smoking. Seriously, the first day I worked out I came out and lit a cigarette on my way to the car and immediately threw up. Ridiculous. What kinda smoker can't hold his smoke in public?


       They say "No pain No Gain." But I say avoiding pain is sane. I believe the whole reason we have pain receptors is to know what NOT to do.


     Also where is the beginners gym with people in it who look like me? I look like a freak in that place walking around sweating just because I'm walking around. Already out of breath and sweating just from glancing at the stair-climber.


    Will I look like these people soon or is it that someone like me joins and these people break your spirit so they can have the place all to themselves?


    I think these gyms give free memberships to the genetically gifted to lure you in and those same people intimidate you into leaving once you've paid. If not these freaks should have to wear before pics on their t-shirts to make us fatties feel better.


    In all seriousness though I really like the gym so far. I go really early is probably why. None of the genetic freaks are there yet to preen around and make me feel like a failure and I'm free to be a weakling without embarrassing myself. Its uncomfortable to be big like me but also weak like a pre-pubescent girl. I'm the kind of strong you get from sitting still and I'm that kind of big too. Its misleading to the eyes to see my 240lb 6ft tall frame straining to curl 20lbs dumbbell's. Especially since everyone knows you just started and this is only rep five set one and your already sweating and grunting like a rookie sailor after lights out.

Fat Cops/Girthy Gunslingers,

Not all cops are fat. Just the funny ones. The fatties are my favorite of all the boys in blue.  I mean is there anything better than watching a fat cop bulging out of his uniform shirt, utility belt holding on for dear life, eating a donut?
Plus I like the idea of a cop I could outrun. Makes me feel better. Not that I'm gonna run or even have a reason to but if I did I like the ones I know would be doubled over holding their knees ready to vomit up there Denny's Grand Slam breakfast after ten steps. Like on the show COPS when there chasing a criminal and the camera man is running circles around the cops.
Fat cops kick all the ass. I love me some fat cops. Every time I see one I instantly smile inside. I hate it when I see a thin cop because the in-shape ones are boring. Gimme a fat one any day.
I want em so big their cruiser looks like a low rider when they cram themselves behind the wheel. So eat up you tubby gunslingers. I don't care what anyone says, y'all look great!

Fat Cheating Whore!

Busted Button,

Being fat can be hard.

A lot of embarrassing things can happen to you when your fat...

I think the most embarrassing one would have to be when the button busts off the front of your pants.

It's embarrassing when that button goes.

Especially when all you were doing was sitting there, watching TV.

You weren't running or climbing a fence.

You were just sitting there, watching TV, and your pants exploded.

Those moments are tough because it's at those times that you realize how fat you've become.