Ten Life Hacks That Could Help You Improve Your Life Maybe

1. Wake up earlier

     My grandma always used to say, 'Don't sleep your life away son because if you do someone will steal your nut, and you know what? She was right. Unless you're a criminal, or maybe a bartender or stripper most legitimate business takes place during the daytime. If you want to get your slice of the action going you're going to have to be awake to do it. The earlier in the day that your shoes hit the pavement and you start your day the more hustling you are going to get done in the peak money making hours. So, to put it simply you are going to want to get up early. Now, not to be strict with you here but I recommend getting up no later than ten am. I know that is very early and sounds impossible, but, I'm sorry to say it, but it needs to be a hard ten with no more than two snooze presses tops.

     Getting up early is just the first part of starting out your day early. The second part is to start your day. If you get up early and watch Family Guy till noon or two, then eat lunch and take a nap you defeated the entire purpose of getting up early. You did nothing, you made no money, you hustled not at all. Now Jay-Z will tell you that you do not get rich without hustling. Money does not make itself so get out and to work doing something productive by 11am. What you do each day with your new time can be anything you want inside of your own physical and mental limits. You can look for cans on the interstate, beg for money at a truck stop, or work for your cash. Anything is better than nothing is the key here.

2. Eat better

    Do you usually just drink a tall glass of vodka before starting your day? Try adding orange juice to it gradually until one day you can drink it with just juice. Do you eat McDonald's every day? Try not to super size your 'meal'. At least resist the apple pie. I am very aware of the difficulty in that because the 2 for $1 deal on those is outrageously tempting but try to resist it. The key to sticking with your new diet is to cut yourself a little slack. You need to really look deep inside to your very being and be realistic about what you are actually capable of accomplishing with all of your numerous biological hindrances. Basically, set realistic goals for yourself and reward yourself often. This should keep even the weakest willed of you out there engaged enough to at least half assedly reach a few of your goals.

     You should also try to exercise a little and be more active in your daily life. That may sound impossible but surprisingly enough its possible, and it can even be fun if you ease your way into it. The key is Patience. Embrace your laziness, you have to own it. Like in Judo, turn what was a weakness into a strength. You know you are lazy, so give yourself easy goals and constant rewards for sticking with your new plan. Your new plan should be easy too. whatever you think you will do cut it in half. You are far more ambitious in your imagination than you are in real life and you damn well know it.

3. Cut your hair

     Do people sometimes mistake you for Tim Burton? Do you have a mullet? Are there actual birds nests in the scraggly mop you're calling hair? Are you just shaggy looking and unkempt? Take a shower, get a haircut, take another shower, put your best going to court clothes on and face the world a new, and most importantly, respectable person. From this new societal stance you will find that not only will many previously closed doors suddenly open to you but the entire world will treat you differently. Just think of how much easier it will be to shoplift gum at gas stations when you no longer look like a shoplifter. Who doesn't like free gum?

     Also, keep in mind that even though you're going to have to clean up your act it doesn't mean you cant express your self a little. Be a little fancy with your hair within reason if you want to. It's fine to be a little creative when putting together your new, more presentable image and hairstyle just don't get nutty like Phil Spector up there. You may not like that I'm telling you to clean up your look but, I bet you wouldn't like a lot of the truth I would tell you if I had the time. It's just a fact that if two guys apply for a job and one looks like he has had a haircut within the past month, and the other looks like there might be a birds nest in his hair. Who gets the job? If you answered haircut guy, gold star. If not, your fucking delusional and beyond help, but feel free to keep reading anyway.

4. Get a Job

     If you want to have money, and if you live on this planet you're going to want money because you need it for literally everything and not having any of it is horrible, so you are going to need to get a job. That is if you don't want to be a bum or a criminal and risk going to jail you're going to have to get yourself a real actual job. I know it totally sucks but its true. We can't all be rock stars and in the end we all end up becoming the corporate slaves we were born to be.
      The upside is you do kind of get to pick what kind of job you want to do in order to make money. The down side is you probably wont get your first choice and will have to lower your standards till you either find a job or get so desperate that you end up finding out what you are really willing to do for money. I suggest finding a job as soon as you officially become an adult. I did and I'm glad I did because being poor sucks. If you want to eat, poop indoors, and sleep in a nice soft bed, you are going to need some kind of job for income to support even a meager lifestyle.

5. Don't Get Crunked At Work

     Whatever your intoxicant of choice may be do not bring it into your work. This is a tough one and I know its going to be hard to do but just try to stay sober while you are at work. This even goes for those of you that are totally getting away with it. It's just very dumb and a great way to get fired. Wait till you clock out and leave the premises to get trashed. Don't go there on your off hours trashed either. This is also a very stupid mistake that many people actually make and also a great way to get yourself fired.

     And trust me, no matter how slick you think you are. No matter how strong your ninja mode while messed up is, you will get caught. It is only a matter of time in the end. So, tempted as you might be keep your after work extracurricular activities away from your place of work and, if you can fight the urge, maybe don't share your various shenanigans on social media either if someone from your work sees your posts no matter how cool and good of a friend you may think that person is.

6. Read books

     Books are full of really useful information and if you read them some of that information just might end up sticking around in your brain for future use making you seem to be less stupid. It for sure couldn't hurt and it will for sure at least make you appear smarter. As long as its a real book, not one with lots of pictures or God forbid a comic book. Those are fine in their own right, but they are not grown up smarty folk books. You want to look smart your going to want to make sure to choose your reading material carefully. Big Boy books only, no pictures.

     The books you either read or pretend to read to look smarter don't have to be boring either. You can still read about cool stuff like sex and vampires. That part doesn't matter because there are all kinds of books and they range from sweet to sexy and from tame to bat shit crazy. Girls like to know that a guy can read if she is going to consider mating with him and as a man I think it's sexy when women read. They look so sophisticated, sexy and quiet. I don't know about you but that turns me on.

7. Buy a calculator

     Math is very hard and at times can be frustrating. Luckily a young Frenchman by the name of Blaise Pascal invented a device to help civilization out. It's called a calculator and it will do any math for you instantly and the best part is they are cheap so it can be easy to acquire one almost anywhere and then you can do math no matter how stupid you are. The fact that everyone doesn't always have a calculator on them blows my mind because why do something you don't have to do? But when stupid people don't have one when they know they are going to or even might be doing math it makes me sad and mad at the same time. Sad because the fact that they don't have one when they knew they were too dumb to pass a math test without one and had to know they exist, and it makes me mad because I just hate stupid people. I know you're not supposed to hate anybody but, stupid people piss me off and, wrong or right I hate them. You can buy a calculator anywhere and for not that much money. Hell, you can even get the kind that's a watch if you don't have a phone because every phone has a calculator.

8. Wear Shoes

     Do you think your feet are sexy? Does anyone else? If the answer to the second question is no or your not outside, or at a beach, or even any other outdoor shoeless activity or maybe your even a toddler or something like that. If your feet are uggers or it's just really inappropriate to wear sandals like to work, or a funeral, or to the grocery store. You should be wearing shoes, and FYI, wearing socks with your sandals changes things not one bit. That is probably even more tacky than sandals without the socks. Wear shoes if you are an adult, it could be the difference in your next first impression in life and could really pay off or just do it because it's gross and you shouldn't subject people to your weird or crusty feet

Now, hopefully I've been clear here in saying that this of course applies to everyone except attractive girls with pretty feet who of course make their own rules in life. Unless that's you, strap on a pair of shoes. You'll play better street hoops, be able to run faster when shit goes down and good running shoes are important, and that's on top of the fact that you'll be pissing off, offending, and or ruining the appetites of fewer of your fellow Earthlings.

9. Wear less/more make up

     This is going to be a judgement call on your part and you need to be honest with yourself. Are you difficult to look at? Be honest, when you look in the mirror do you flinch a little sometimes? If you said yes and you are a girl you can use makeup. If you said yes and you are a guy your just screwed. Try wearing a hat or maybe growing some interesting facial hair or only go out after dark and avoid streetlights I don't know. But for the ladies wear the make-up if you need it but please learn to use it first. Bad make-up is worse than no make-up by 157%. That is from a scientific study I made up that we'll say for the sake of discussion hypothetically took place at Harvard in their common sense department. I believe the discovery was made by Professor Milworth Obvious who I obviously just made up but can you imagine?

     Anyway, just use a little common sense when deciding on your grooming regimen is all I'm saying. The easier on the eyes that you are the easier your life will be. If Disney movies have taught us anything it is that pretty equals good and ugly is always bad. Name an ugly Disney hero without saying Hunchback of Notre Dame. I couldn't do it and I've seen nearly all of those damn things throughout raising three kids. 

10. Don't be an ass

      This one seems like it would be easy which is why it is so fascinating that so many people get it wrong. I guess I'll explain it like this, do you like it when someone is a jerk to you, or just mean for no real reason at all? Well, guess what, no one else does either. So this one is pretty self explanatory, just don't be an ass to other people. That includes for example bullying, judgmental behavior, or discrimination in any way. You don't like it and it isn't hurting anyone, keep your mouth shut. It's none of your business and doesn't affect you one bit. Here's what you do if something is bothering you, tell someone smarter than you or an authority figure in your life what you are upset about and hopefully you choose well and they can help you out. If not follow this rule, stay out of stuff that isn't causing anyone any harm, your personal beliefs excluded, and just keep your opinions to yourself. If you find that you just can't help but act out despite my advice do it privately. Maybe start your very own blog where you can hate and judge with people just like you.
     Not being an ass also includes just about any public behavior. Don't stare at girls asses when they are wearing yoga pants even though we all know that that is why she is wearing them because there is no other logical reason to be wearing them outside of a yoga studio. If you are racist or sexist see the above rant about keeping your mouth shut. If you chew with your mouth open, stop it. And, for Christ's sake, if you stink, bathe. I don't care how you bathe. Just for the love of God, if your going out among the public, please wash your ass first. Like I said you can be an ass a lot of different ways so just be self aware and try not to be. Your still going to be, but at least you're trying.

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