3 Reasons To Not Watch '3 Days To Kill'

     I am not going to bother with seeing 3 Days To Kill and in this review of this film that I have not, and don't even plan to ever see I will tell you the reasons why.

Reason One: Kevin Costner

     This movie stars Kevin Costner, and while that is the first reason that I do not plan to ever see it, it's not so much that it stars him as it is that it stars Kevin Costner as an action star.  Kevin Costner is just not believable as an action star.  Kevin Costner is believable as a minor league baseball pitcher, or an amateur golfer, or maybe even a lunatic that dances with wolves but not as an action star.  I am not even convinced that he still even qualifies as a star at all.  As a matter of fact if 3 days to kill was about Kevin Costner spending three days trying to convince a twenty year old Hooters waitress that he once was famous only to fail miserably, go home and kill of a thirty pack of natural light while he sat in the dark crying playing The Bodyguard on a constant loop I'd be much more likely to see it.
     Now, I know what your thinking, and you are wrong imaginary person.  Your thinking this is Hollywood we are talking about here.  The land of magic and make believe.  They can do anything in Hollywood can't they?  Hell, Hollywood made Liam Neeson a bad ass in Taken, couldn't they do that with Kevin Costner?  I'm sorry person who isn't really talking to me but, no, they can't.  On the one hand while they did make Liam into a bad mofo in Taken, Kevin Costner is no Liam Neeson and, on the other hand Waterworld.

Reason Two: The Commercial Sucks

     If you can't even make a promo for your film interesting enough to hold my attention for a full 60 second commercial how can you expect me to go see the movie.  Before my eyes even fully processed that I was somehow actually seeing Kevin Costner's face in a current movie preview I was already checking my phone.  It took me six more times of seeing that stupid ad to finally learn what the name of the movie was, and I've yet to even make it through the whole commercial even one single time and I watch a shit-ton of TV.  I will not watch a film thats commercial makes me want to change the channel.

Reason Three: The Terrorist In The Movie Is White

     I mean come on!  A white terrorist?!?  What's next a film about an Asian Nascar driver?  Why not a white heavyweight boxing champion.  Or how about a movie about a thriving dental practice located in a trailer park?  I mean for Christ sake, it's 2014, I think by now everyone knows that terrorists are Arabic and from countries with oil and lots of caves for hiding.  That is just common knowledge.  It wasn't all that long ago that George W. Bush explained quite clearly how the Axis Of Evil works and where it is.  I mean what do you even do to fight a white terrorist?  Bomb Utah?  That makes no sense.  There isn't any oil in Utah.

     So there you have it.  Three excellent reasons to not see the movie 3 Days To Kill.  For those of you who saved $12 from my advice you are welcome.  For those of you who were not so lucky, I truly am very sorry.

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