Yankey Show 6-23-17 (Full show)

I suck at failing

I do a lot of failing. 
So much so in fact you'd think I'd be a little better at it by now. 
Unfortunately that's not the case. 
I'm terrible at it actually. The worst. 
I'm a big baby about it too and I annoy my wife all of the time with my constant whining and anxiety attacks. 
You might think I would have developed a thicker skin and higher tolerance for what it is to struggle and sacrifice by now. I mean, I've been poor for quite a while. 
Strangely enough though, you'd be wrong again. 
Well then, I must have at least learned how to manage money pretty good, or to make smart, well thought out decisions in important moments in life by now right? 
I mean here I am. I've obviously done something right. I survived past 40 so far, I don't look to be hungry at all, I'm not sickly so I must have developed some sort of a secret or street wisdom then right?
Nope, not really.
I have no idea how I've even gotten this far in life much less if I'll get any further. 
You might think it must be luck, and that's a good guess except I don't have any. 
Could be my wife, probably is, it is. 
So yeah, luck, but just that one time.
And honestly, she really did all of that too. I never had any game at all with women.
So, is she my good luck, or am I her bad?
Hard to say. Well, not really, it's both. 
I'm the clear winner obviously but I think she thinks I'm alright.
I hope so anyway, like I said, I suck at failing.

I'm Back Again

I haven't been here for a little while. I was trying out a different approach because, quite frankly, I wasn't getting the results that I was looking for here. I was getting decent traffic but no interaction. So, I started over with a new site. I got really serious and set out to make the new blog what I had always hoped this one would be.

The more serious that I got about making it successful the less fun I was having writing it. I got my traffic up right away but still hardly any interaction. No one ever comments. Comedy is very hard to do with zero feedback. I know that I find it funny but does anyone else? Hard to say because I can't get anyone to talk or respond no matter what I try. I never even stopped to realize it may be because I have no idea what I'm doing.

I always used to just do this blog for fun. I love to make people laugh, I always have. Stand-up is great for a personality like that and that's why I love it. I never get tired of making people laugh. I started the blogging as a way to work out ideas, share actual bits, or anything else that I feel like doing that I think is funny. Everything about it I loved for a long time. I'd work on this thing for hours and that lasted for years until it started to bother me that I got the amount of views I did but no one ever comments on anything.

I began to drift away from the new site entirely. I let the URL expire and now it just sits there in the void deserted. While I was away from blogging I got really into politics because of this guy Bernie Sanders. I am now all in with trying to use the system to improve our world instead of just bitching about it. It has consumed me you could even say, I may even have to change my comedic style as a result.

Getting into and involved in politics and activism has kept me pretty occupied in my free time for about a year now but I still really miss doing what I once loved to do here. So, if you do know what you are doing, maybe you can help me grow and develop this blog into what I've always hoped it would be. A place dedicated to all things comedy with a community of like minded individuals having fun and joking around. Like a digital comedy club after close if you will. When it's just the comics and the staff hanging out and talking shit.

If you're new here, look around there's years of stuff on here and if you have something to say speak up, I don't bite anyone but my baby.

Government Work Joke

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Gay Funeral Joke

After being married for twenty years to his lover, a gay man dies. When the funeral arrangements have been set, the widower approaches the undertaker with a peculiar request, "I know we had plans to cremate his body, but will you please chop him up and put him in a extra spicy curry instead?" The undertaker asks, "Why would you want that?" The gay widower replies, "So he will blow my ass out one more time."

The Boondock Saints: Rocco's Joke

So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof appears the genie! The genie goes to the black guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" The black guy goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, "What's your one wish?" The Mexican goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted. Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" and the white guy asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?" The genie replies, "Yes." So the white guy goes, "Then I'll have a Coke."

Homeless Drunk Dude Joke

There was this homeless drunk dude laying in an alley talking out loud saying, "I wish had another drink." He then passed out. As he was saying that, a gay dude was walking by and heard him. When the gay guy came back, he f*cked the homeless guy and put three dollars in his pocket. The homeless dude woke up later and found the money, ran to the liquor store, and said, "Give me the cheapest half of pint you have," and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again. The gay dude came back, f*cked the homeless dude again, and left five dollars. He ran back to the liquor store and said, "Give me the cheapest pint you have," and went back to his spot. The gay dude came back again. Once he saw the homeless man passed out, he f*cked him again and left eight dollars The homeless dude woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the liquor store, and before he could say a word, the owner said, "I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get," and the homeless dude said, "No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap liquor is tearing my ass up."

Little Johnny Marriage Joke

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Ski Lodge Joke

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Nibbling During Sex Survey

     We wanted to find out if women liked playful light nibbling during sex.  I like it, do you like it?  If you don't, do you hate it?  Or is it just OK or maybe you just think that it's wrong to nibble on your partner?
     Well we just didn't know what was right and we wanted to find out so today at Laughing at Life 2 we're going to dive right into the sexual phenomenon of nibbling. We're going to strap in and really sink our teeth in and get to the bottom of it as deep as we can get into this sensitive issue.
     We hit the streets and asked 100 women all about nibbling during sex and we're going to share with you here the results of our little sexual street survey about nibbling. Prepare to be amazed by our new sexual knowledge.

1. Women like to be nibbled

     First thing we found out was that women enjoy being nibbled on. In fact 87% of the women we surveyed said that they love to be nibbled on. 98% agreed that it usually wetens their vaginas to be lightly nibbled in the ear and neck area. 100% of the women asked agreed that pressure was an issue saying to be careful because if you accidentally bite them too hard you'll dry them up in a jiffy.

2. Girls like to bite too but are scared to use their teeth

     Something that we found was that women are confused about teeth and sex. 91% of the women we surveyed said they never knew when to use teeth during sex. 100% said they knew never to bite or scrape the wieners but most of them weren't really sure if men liked to be nibbled on as much as they did.

3. Girls like to be asked about sex

     23% of the women that we surveyed liked being surveyed so much that they also had sex with us. 63% of them wanted to but were just too busy. 99% of them were too busy thinking about sex with us to not give us at least a kiss. 87% of them gave us their phone numbers and or email addresses. 1% of them are even our girlfriend now.

Teddy Bear Joke

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a terrific bj, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear a little! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf on your way out!"

Asian Bank Joke

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Miracle Diet Joke

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

7 Bad Character Traits Of People And How To Deal With Them

     I hate people. Ideally I would never deal with them at all but we do not live in an ideal world. In my day I have worked quite a few customer service jobs, which are the worst jobs in the USA if you didn't know that. I have always thought it was very odd that a job that requires such immense self control would be higher paying but nope. Customer service jobs are considered low skill level jobs hence you are usually paid right at minimum wage to put up with the general public's bullshit. It's ridiculous. Anyway's I know a little from all that about people and more importantly how to deal with them.     Like anything else understanding people comes from watching them. You have to study people to truly understand them. You get a lot of time to do that working in customer service. Your whole job is to watch and deal with people. What I've done is taken all that research and condensed it so that I could share it with my loyal readers because I am great. The following are 7 major personality traits people display and how to deal with each one. So enjoy, and you're welcome.

- Addiction

      I suffer from this one and my OCD does not help things either. I actually tend to avoid things that I think that I might like too much for fear that they will steal a piece of my life away from me. I'm serious. Even phone games. I'll get sucked inside of shit. It's fkd up. Anyway most people are addicted to something. Even straight laced people have addictions. Things like coffee and cigarettes are big business. Addiction is everywhere.
     I am not saying you need to get rid of your addictions. You just need to control them. You can have fun as long as you balance it like a jedi master. Stay on the light side of the force of addiction and you'll be OK but, venture to the dark side of addiction and very quickly all can be lost. So just be careful and listen to yourself. Know your limits and be cool. You do that and things will be OK.

Married Dance Club Joke

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

Two Boats Joke

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

Dam Joke

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

5 Powerful Mind Hacks To Succeed Like A Boss

     We all want to succeed nowadays but succeeding is really super hard to do and the truth is we can't all do it. We all want to win but to win someone needs to lose. It's just math. So, we want to be the winners and not the losers. As Donald Trump will tell you losers suck and we hate them. So we want to win. Luckily for you guys I win all day and I have decided to teach you all how to win too for free. Read my 7 magical mind hacks below and then go out in the world and start to succeed already.

1. Grow a pair

     You have got to get off of your ass and go get what you want. No one will give it to you and it will not fall in your lap. You can not be afraid to go after your dreams like a crazy person no matter what others, or even logic think. If you let the fear of failure stop you from reaching for your dreams then you have already failed. How about that logic. Michael Jordan once said he missed a hundred percent of the shots that he didn't take and I'll bet the math on that is pretty solid. Like the lottery says, you can't win if you don't play.
     Bottom line, you are going to have to grow yourself a pair. And don't worry If you are a girl because you can still grow a pair. Growing a pair just means to be brave. That's all it is, just be brave enough to dream and try to go achieve those dreams. If you do that then you have already succeeded. It doesn't matter if you reach your dreams because in your heart you will know that you tried and were true to who you were. That's success.
     So get your nuts up and go after what you want and claw anyone's eyes out that tries to stop you from getting it. That's the only way that you will get it so stop lying to yourself and do it. Well, what are you waiting for? Go.

2. Remember to think of the future you as a real person

     We tend to think of ourselves in the future as a different person and because of that we constantly screw ourselves over. Think about it, you know you're supposed to be working right now,  but instead your reading jokes on a silly comedy blog. You could be getting your work done so you could get a promotion and make more money but no, that's future you's problem. Got a big meeting in the morning and know you should go to bed but you watch three more episodes of Full House before you finally do because present you wanted to and future you can just fend for himself. We hinder ourselves because we fail to realize that future you is still you and is going to hate past you for good reason later on.

3. Stop second guessing yourself

     Unless you're a moron your brain is pretty good at figuring things out. If it tells you something is wrong you should probably listen to it. Makes perfect sense right? How come we don't do it then. We talk ourselves into what we want to do even though our body's computer said it was a bad idea because we want to do it and that's all the reason we need.
     Listen to your mind meat. It is looking out for your dumb ass. That's like it's whole job and you think you know better than it does? Please. Trust yourself, just make sure you are listening to the right voice when you do. If you only hear one voice, congratulations, aren't you just so great? If you have more than two voices seek medical help for which one to listen to.

Manly Love Advice Z is for... Just Buy Her Jewlery

Z Is A Good Day To Buy Her Jewelry

     Z is a good day to discuss the obvious, girls like jewelry so go out and buy her some jewelry. Ladies really love jewelry, I think it goes back to being treated like a Queen. Queen's love jewelry too so it could be they really are queens. Either that or they just love shiny expensive things. I do not know but I do know that if you get her some she will love it. You will love it too unless you hate hot sex. Just remember with jewelry, as in everything, go big or go home.

Quick Gun Joke

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."